INTENTIONS.

I’ve decided that it would be an amazing idea to start to journal the process behind my music because I feel as though, none of what I write is spoken on or that I haven’t begun to have those deep and detailed conversations that many people probably wonder: what is the creative process behind a project or track? or, what the fuck goes on inside of his head sometimes? both questions amongst many that even I, myself, ask when I’m diving deep into the spirals of ideas that cross my mind in writing.. and I go through them all alone.

* this is a safe space, and it is mine, most importantly. I’m happy to share the most precious and personal experiences with you all who care to follow along. It’s extremely therapeutic as well for me to express things exactly as first thought (not second, but here we are).

a little context behind the huge six year gap of silence from two thousand and eighteen to two thousand and twenty three, where I’ve gone from releasing a twenty or so tracked trilogy to just a measly twelve (or fifteen) depressing, slow burned and saddened songs, suffice to say that it was a rough six years. a lot had happened, to everyone, not just I. where lost was at its utmost and I was finding myself in the chaos and broken pieces that were my life. originally, I thought that I had lost enough and knew what that was enough to attempt to make the best out of it, creating ‘headache.’ and as quoted, it is “based on a dark theme and expresses meditation, sensualization, self maintenance, and visualization followed by ultimate transition periods (dubbed interludes) that follow and connect with each track - creating the perfected image-” of what I call the album. and the subject matter only improved from that point on with more intensity to follow..

while it wasn’t a problem at all to write at least three or four, maybe five composition books full of songs, it was extremely difficult and problematic to put production to the experiences and even more so to pick and choose which ones remained for the final result (there’s an entire unreleased version of ‘tensions.’ with said material, and I swear to god, it would’ve created a whole entire new addition to my discography if I released it). that being said, I couldn’t be more proud of the way that the project itself had turned out; in terms of order, flow, sound, and the lyricism that I’ve spent months tweaking to fit and adjust.. it’s such a raw and vulnerable piece of work, right next to ‘psychodrama.’ where I hadn’t really experienced shit yet in high school compared to being in my twenties, for real. I share a lot with ‘tensions.’, a lot ranging from my first romantic relationship being physically abusive and toxic, to being in a manipulative situationship to cope from that trauma. or, hits and misses from those who could’ve and never have had it, over some who attempted and wish that they did remaining bitter.. a lot to unpack there.

the track ‘composure.’ sticks out to me the most on the entire project, due to the fact that I never really write songs that focus on myself, so it was a different perspective for sure. one that I didn’t think that I would pull off well, but it felt empowering to understand myself more and create a centerpiece at the end of all of the ups and downs to showcase and fortify that my patience and tolerance had a limit. that there is an end to the rope that exists.. somewhere.. which would never seem the case to anyone who might listen to my songs, and I'm still adding length to this day, so bare with me. um, I will say though, that I’m glad that I didn’t follow through with prolonging or dragging out the era farther than it needed to go. I had ‘tensions.’ mapped out for years after ‘headache.’ and every single day of my life had poured into the making of, yet because I had felt like I’d underexpressed it, I at first wanted to dive into a deluxe variant - then, an extended variant, and all the other editions that would’ve never fully been completed. why? because I wasn’t in that headspace anymore, I was over it.

that didn’t stop me from alternating ‘tensions.’ into something else. ;))
**wink wink.* until next time.